I can still remember as I sat on the couch that day, tears streaming in an unrelenting flow and I will never forget that day in May…the very day that would have been my 9th wedding anniversary of my previous marriage.
Me having been divorced…and now remarried.
Me experiencing, that day, the first of my three miscarriages, the emptying of hope…
And I couldn’t help but wonder with the coincidence of that day, could this be what I deserved? The consequence of my sin? A lack of blessing from Him?
And there I was, wondering, would I ever be blessed with children?
My heart’s ache was so real and so very raw.
And my heartache was the loss of a dream; the loss of the real hope of all a new baby would bring. Oh how I had nurtured the thoughts and had been filled with growing hope. And then, suddenly, it all dashed in an instant.
And that day on my couch, in the desperation of that moment…
In the unjustified self-condemnation of the coincidence…
I groped for the hope of Him who gives life…
Desperate for Him who is Sovereign and in control of all things…
Psalm 42:11 Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
Isaiah 26:3-4 You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock. Psalm 33:18-21 But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine. We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. Psalm 84:11-12 For the LORD God is a sun and shield; The LORD gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly. O LORD of hosts, How blessed is the man who trusts in You!
And comfort from His Word came, and yet, even in my willful choice to look to Him amidst the pain and uncertainty, and to believe in His goodness toward me, and to trust and have faith in His provision and plan,
I really, never could have imagined that day, the joy I would one day know in this mama role I now have.
God has been so very good to me.
And I can still remember that day I walked to him sitting in that office chair…the surprise of that faint pink line appearing…taking it to him for him to see, and him asking, “Will that line disappear…are you sure??” And I can remember the guarded excitement I felt, as I checked the blood results every other day, with anticipation and uncertainty. Were the numbers climbing? Could I release the restrained hope of my heart?
And I can still remember the first beholding of her…the small gray and white picture on the screen, with the flickering white dot of her heart blinking fast. The relief came, knowing that the excitement could be released and the hope unrestrained, and the dreaming could begin. With joy I left the office that day, with a lifted heart, and I rejoiced in His goodness and grace.
And yet, how that August drug on, in the end, us waiting for her arrival.
Me working until 37 weeks…
Enjoying a lovely baby shower with tea and scones…
Opening that last surprise gift at the shower…a new car with a BIG red bow parked in the driveway…
Going to our community pool, and me scaring the young lifeguards with my enormous bare belly, and floating in that pool, and the relief it was to my swollen body in those last few days…the coolness of that water and the relief of its buoying power…
And I can still remember that final night before her birth. In the aftermath of Cal Poly final projects, and the days of annoying contractions, waiting and waiting for her arrival…my water breaking, and us driving in. And me laboring through the night, and her, our first, entering this world that next morning…ALL 10 lbs. 10 oz of her, pink and healthy and oh so chubby!
And the excitement was unforgettable and our hearts were captivated. Her very being, the representation of our unioned love. The representation of His goodness of love toward us, a gift to us from Him. And we fell in love with her…So in love!
And this day, I remember…
And I celebrate, TODAY, her 9th birthday!
Each of my children, representations and constant reminders of God’s mercy…of His faithfulness, goodness and overwhelming blessing to me.
I am SO. VERY. THANKFUL.
Isaiah 25:1 I will give thanks to Your name; For You have worked wonders, Plans formed long ago, with perfect faithfulness. Psalm 9:1-2 I will give thanks to the LORD with my whole heart; I will recount all of your wonderful deeds. I will be glad and exult in you; I will sing praise to your name, O Most High.
He really does redeem and restore all things in His time.
What are you giving thanks for today?
I’m telling my story of miscarriages & road to my now 2-year-old today, too. This story feels familiar, though you took an earlier path of coming to Him for it all before I did.
And Wednesday, I’ll be celebrating the gift of my then 9 year old daughter. Such a blessing. Thanks for sharing your heart.
Beautiful, Jacque. Just beautiful.
Beautiful. Really a beautiful journey!
Beautifully written… Happy birthday to your daughter!
It was such a blessing to read your story too! http://bit.ly/qdBf5g And all that really matters is our hearts pressing in to Him who is our Savior and loves us so! Happy Birthday to your darling Twinkle!
Thank you friend, so very much!
Your words so kind…and my prayer that the one despairing this day would know of the hope we have in Him, and how He is the one who makes ALL things beautiful in His time!
Thank you!
I just loved this!
What a beautiful faith story. Why is it that so often a woman’s faith grows by leaps and bounds through loss and babies and children? I have been there – and He pulled me close into the comfort of His Father arms! Healed my wounds! and filled my home:) So happy birthday to your daughter! So happy for your 9 years living this awesome mother dream!
This is very touching. I needed to read these words of yours, as I lost a baby in May, now 11 weeks pregnant. I missed my faith these past few days and needed a reminder of how great He is. I needed to be reminded to put this in His hands. Thank you..thank you.
Jacque, thanks for sharing this today. It’s beautiful how you can look back at heartache and the goodness, and see His beauty in the both heart-wrenching and the sweet gifts.
So lovely.
That first pregnancy after lost, so bittersweet and hard .I still mourn the loss while celebrating my daughter’s life, it’s such a delicate balance.
Oh this is beautiful. Thank you so much for linking this one up!
Yes, He has been so good to me! Miss you!
A balance in the simultaneous remembering and rejoicing…may you feel Him with you in it…
Oh Barbie, thank you so much 🙂
Praying all is well and that your faith is still steady in His goodness and grace. He adores you and is working ALL for good somehow. Many blessings to you!
Thank you so much…
Ah yes, a filled home! I’m joining you in declaring the closeness and power of His comforting arms and healing hand!
Your words give me courage and hope. I am so thankful to have met you. You are wise and kind and beautiful.
Oh yes, so very thankful here too! We had a big, healthy sweet baby girl after a loss too. So very grateful for the two I have here, and waiting expectantly for the one I will hold Someday.
Rejoicing with you! So very thankful you stopped by!