Rest has become a foreign stranger to me and I’m not quite sure how much longer I can survive without her.
It’s been so long. Sleep evades me and a heightened sense of urgency is ever before me, as every single minute of each day is utilized with little to no margin at all.
And I hesitate to even write this. Because I want to have it all together. I want to be admired and respected and valued for all I am. I really do want to be able to do it all.
But the truth is I’m a mess. A worn-down, sleep-deprived, striving-to-meet-deadlines mess.
Oh it’s true … I’m getting things done, and making progress by the skin of my teeth, but this ideal life that I’m longing for?
Where I have time to sit in silence and read my Bible, and write in my journal, as I sip my cup of tea, undisturbed and uninterrupted…. instead of reading in the car, waiting for baseball practice to end, while three kids play inside the car with decibels louder than I prefer.
Where I sit in a calm and quiet room, listening to David Nevue and writing without interruption–writing insightful and helpful words that will make a difference in this world… instead of penning words while kids eat lunch and laugh and giggle or while Gold Rush plays on the tv when kids are finally in bed.
Where I play playdoh and read a slow hour while we cuddle on the couch… instead of sending them off to play together after rushing to read three chapters in a row of the Children’s Homer since we had fallen behind.
Where I spend one on one time shopping with my teenager or eating yogurt with my tween… instead of intermittent and infrequent chats.
Where I bring my best to date night every Friday, and offer to my husband my girlfriend-self he deserves… instead of the tired, end-of-the-week, yoga-pants-wearing one.
Where there’s time to take a nap, to feel peace, or even be bored, meandering on a walk just because…
Oh how I know I’m missing chances to seize moments. I’m failing to slow time with the weight of my full attention. Failing. And I’m a bit panicked about it. I don’t want to look back and have regrets. I really don’t.
But still, I’m smacking straight into the see-through glass surrounding my idealistic desires.
Like a bird flying into a window again and again, I just can’t break through.
And it’s not like I’m wasting time…
I never watch tv.
I don’t sleep before midnight.
I never take a nap.
And I use every spare minute I’m given.
It’s simply a never-ending marathon I’m living.
And yet the more efficient I am at using my time, the faster it flies by, and the less it seems I have.
The to-do lists spin in my head until I wrestle the ideas down as they fly by, barely able to scribble them onto the nearest scratch paper I can find.
Multi-tasking has become my norm, with a little person talking to me, doing another thing, and thinking of something else all at the same time.
I’m easily irritated, frustrated with any inefficiency, and lacking in patience.
And it’s time to just say it straight, I’m not gonna lie.
I am tired.
Overwhelmed.
Exhausted.
And most days in over my head.
Wife,
Mother to five,
Part-time working registered nurse,
Writer and blogger,
Speaker,
Marriage mentor,
Chapel praise-team member,
Co-op teacher,
Friend…
The thing is, I have no idea what to do about it. I’ve known the benefits of rest … of sleep, eating well, and exercising. And I know the risks of stress … the leptin, the ghrelin, and cortisol. And I fear I’m their latest victim.
I know beyond a doubt I need more rest. I need more peace, and I need this pace to stop.
And while rest looks different to each person, I do know it’s a choice.
How our heart feels rest really is a choice. But the truth is, for me, it just hasn’t been an easy one.
Every hat I wear matters so much to me … and I’m still not sure what I should let go.
The fear of letting go is strangling the freedom of rest.
And honestly, I’m just not sure how to invite her in and get to know her again.
Have you been enduring a crazy pace?
Do you struggle to rest?
I’m joining Lisa-Jo, over at her site today, to take five minutes and just write without worrying if it’s just right or not. The challenge is to write for 5 20 minutes today … flat with no editing, tweaking or self critiquing, with the prompt she gives. And today, her prompt:
Rest…
I understand this so well, Jacque. I’ve spent years running at full speed only to have it catch up with me. Lets say the result wasn’t pretty. Through it God did a lot of talking and healing. That was a few years ago. Recently, due to my husbands illness I’ve been working full time at my regular job as a children’s pastor and running his part time business. Life is crazy busy. My wants and my have too’s are not lining up at all. There is no easy answer, everything we do is noble and great things to choose. But choices need to be made. For me my quiet time with God became the priority. I’ve learned enough about myself that if that suffers everything suffers. I have asked God to be fully present in my life. Once again that requires a choice on my part to actively look for God in my life. Saying prayers for you today.
I SO understand crazy-busy…and yes, quiet time with the Lord IS the priority, and He is faithful to show up, to comfort and to convict too. And I’m thinking my lack of rest is something He’s convicting me of, as He desires for us all to have times to be still. I guess I’m just a slow learner. Thank you for your prayers…
Great post, Jacque. Sometimes verbalizing releases a bit of the steam building in the tea kettle. But, inevitably the whistle begins to blow and the heat has to be turned down. I know you will find that cooling place. You are an amazing woman. God Bless you and yours ~Debra
Rest is definitely elusive and it’s not like we can just schedule it in. When we need it most and make time for it, it won’t come.
I was kind of on the same track in my 5 minutes. I just want an off-switch.
Hope you find some rest tonight.
Laura Hedgecock
http://www.TreasureChestOfMemories.com
This is truly beautiful, and I needed this today. Bless you!
Ashley from http://theheartofashley.blogspot.com/
Oh Debra, what a blessing you are…and your word picture. Yes…to turn the heat down and find that cooling place. Thank you for your words today.
“When we need it most and make time for it, it won’t come…” WOW, yes. How well I know that. Thank you for your encouragement 🙂
Awww…thank you Ashley, for sharing that. Because the vulnerablitiy is scary, and even though it’s truth, I still fight with pushing the publish button. But it is what it is, and honesty always begins the change. Blessings to you…I enjoyed visiting your blog…your girls are darling!
wow… after reading all that you do need some rest. Slow down and Breathe… Love your new blog look it is very nice.
Thank you so much Sharon!
I really enjoy your writing.
Oh, sweet friend…thank you for sharing your heart. As always, your words are such a blessing. Praying for some wonderful rest for you this weekend. 🙂
Rest looks different for each person… and it’s a choice. Interesting words for me to ponder.
Especially as the rest of your post rings oh. so. true. to me! I hope we can all find some soon!
Oh Denise, what a gift to me…such a gift, thank you…
Thank you Mel…more than you know, for continuing to come and be with me here. May your weekend be blessed 🙂
Ah Krista, yes. Rest. SO needed for our bodies, minds, and hearts. Thank you for joining us here!
I didn’t know you had 5 children. Did I read that right? And you’re a superstar to me. I am sorry, I don’t have the answers for you but I do understand where you are. I know it well.
I was wondering if I could quote you and link back for a post going live on Allume blog tomorrow. Let me know friend.
You are so lovely. <3
Yes! F-I-V-E…whew! Thank you for your sweet words, and YES, I’d be blessed for you to share. Hope all is well with you 🙂 xoxo