The day wasn’t supposed to end like this…
A volunteer priest, a giving photographer capturing pictures, and her two little girls coming to see.
She had arrived at the hospital that St. Patrick’s Day morning with a gleam in her eyes, and a hope-filled heart, ripe with anticipation…now a boy after two sweet girls. The day would be grand…a long-awaited dream realized.
But the heart that once beat with strength, that escorted the blood around for growth, that delivered the nutrients to stretch the skin again…it was still.
Frozen.
Immobile on the black and white screen before me.
I was speechless.
How does one process knowledge this devastating?
How does one relay it?
I know of the reality.
I see the heart that’s still.
But still, she hopes big for today. What words?
Can this really be happening?
Another nurse comes to see the screen.
Stillness.
“Is everything okay?” the mama asks.
If I don’t speak will it make it not so?
How do I answer her?…HOW DO I POSSIBLY ANSWER?
How does one possibly share the concept, and the knowledge that will rip a heart in two? This weight of a reality that will crush a soul.
I search for words.
“We are looking for heart movement but can’t seem to find it,” my words echoing in silence. Still it doesn’t register.
The radiology tech comes to see. Stillness. An eerie almost holy stillness. Confirmation of the suspicion. Her tears begin and roll fast down…
What can I offer?
What can I do?
I am helpless to fix it. This life that was, and is now present with God.
He paces, the strong papa, confused and speechless. This his son after two daughters.
I grope for words. The two words just seem so empty. The “I’m sorry”, seems so vacant, SO meaningless…SO without power to change this unchangeable moment.
I reach out to touch and hold her arm. My skin meets hers. More tears fall. Human touch, the ultimate communication.
I lean across him to remove the monitor, this boy child present with us, beneath the surface of her swollen belly. He is here, inside.
But he is NOT here, he’s with God.
I put warmed blankets over her…a small desperate gift meant to warm her empty aching heart. It’s the least I can do.
I touch papa’s back. “I’m so very sorry” I say, as I embrace him…this pacing papa…him unable to fix things. The leader and protector, powerless in this moment. And his eyes swell with tears…and they fall, down, down, down…
Deuteronomy 32:3-4 “For I proclaim the name of the LORD; Ascribe greatness to our God! “The Rock! His work is perfect, For all His ways are just, A God of faithfulness and without injustice, Righteous and upright is He.
Why?
Why, O God?
How is this perfect?
How is this just?
And yet, isn’t it true we really deserve nothing from Him?
That true justice would be my eternal death?
That only because of His faithfulness and lovingkindness, I receive any gifts? And it’s more than I deserve…it is above and beyond what is just.
1 Corinthians 2:11 For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the spirit of the man which is in him? Even so the thoughts of God no one knows except the Spirit of God. James 4:14 Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.
And isn’t it true that no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God? Who am I to question Him?
For isn’t all of human life but a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away? He is the giver of life, the sustainer of life, and the taker of life…
It is His to take.
As I drive home I try to make sense of it all. My heart heavy for bearing her grief. He was whole…38 full weeks…black hair long enough to cut a lock for her to keep, to place in the memory box that would be hers to carry home. The memory box instead of her son.
And I can’t help but wonder…does she know the love of God?
Will she allow this to prune her so close to soul death that the spring blossoms will be fragrant and bountiful…with beauty and hope again?
Or will she allow the pruning to kill her?
Will she die a bitter hurt woman because she doesn’t know Him or trust in His gifts.
Is this day a gift for her, this St. Patrick’s day? The day honoring a saint who did so much giving and sharing of Christ…who gave his very life for the cause of others knowing Christ?Can she somehow come to know the hard eucharisteo and see even this day as a gift from Him?
I pray for her, this mama of three, who holds all three in her arms this night, but will go home with just two. This mama who will remember this day for always, and count each year. O god of ALL comfort, comfort her in her loss this night! Help her feel You are near!
2 Corinthians 1:3-5 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ.
And I pray O God, help her to know You, and the deep love You have for her.
You are Sovereign, O God, and I trust in You, and may she come to trust you too.
For You are God, and I am not.
Colossians 1:17 He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. Romans 11:36 For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things To Him be the glory forever. Amen.
I am joining Lisa Jo, over at her site today.
Her instructions:
Give me your best five minutes {or more if you need them this week} for the prompt:
Loss…
She is in my prayers tonight as well… such an aching pain.
oh what a heartbreakingly beautiful post. Thank you for sharing this.
I think of the verse in Esther (slightly modified), ” And who knows whether you have not come to [this hospital room] for such a time as this?” God knew this mama of three would need your comfort in that time of deep sorrow and the continued prayers you would offer up for her.
Thank you for this beautiful post and the reminder that HE is God, and we are not.
Oh goodness. This post strikes me… hard. We all need those verses you shared with this post, too.
Understanding God’s is beyond my ability;
trusting in His wisdom I can do, because
As for God, his way is perfect:the word of the LORD is tried: Ps 18:30
Thanks for sharing this story and all the pain and grace that fills it. You were truly a blessing in this situation, that is clear! Blessings!
yes. . . i have been in your same position! and i return home with the same thoughts and questions and grieving. there is a greater loss that i pray these people come to know and realize and that God somehow uses what feels horrible at the moment to draw them to Him. i so needed to read this after my evening at work yesterday. thank you for the sharing.
Yes, friend, His way IS perfect!
Yes, days like this are so very hard, and yet to be able to pray for them that they may know Him, and the comfort He alone gives…blessings to you as you care for them too!
My youngest son went through the premature delivery and death of his son. So small, so perfect. Your post brought back the moment I visited our little man and said good bye. Numb and incredulous at the loss.
I pray again for my son and my grandson’s mother, that they find their way to God so that this, among a multitude of other, pruning can grow them into powerful vines for God.
A heart wrenching and spirit moving post.
Thankyou.
Thank you for this Jacque. I was that same young woman on July 19, 1989. I was alone when I learned the news because my husband had not come for the appointment. Little Grant was at 20 weeks and had already made his presence known with kicks for weeks. Because there were so many inductions already scheduled at the hospital and my OB/GYN wanted to have a less rushed time so he could be with me, Grant was not delivered until July 25th. He fit in the palm of his father’s hands. It took over a year of numbness and grief for me to accept the loss as something God could use to help me reach out to others with compassion. Little Grant is waiting for me along with my grandparents and other loved ones. Thank you for the caregiver perspective and the scripture and compassion you share. I know without a doubt that God loves me, that He was with me through those days and that He works it all for good. I didn’t learn until much later that my husband was in the midst of a 5 year affair but before too long my husband began to abuse my other son. I am grateful that Grant was able to bypass all the pain that my son Scott endured and go directly to life and love with the Father who loves like no other.
Oh Pam…thank you for sharing that,I’m so very sorry. I’m so in awe of God and how He redeems our pain, heals our hearts, and loves us so…
—– Reply message —–
Oh I can’t even imagine…I always thought about how wonderful it would be to be a L&D nurse…to help usher in life…but times like these…I think it would be the hardest job in the world. What a blessing for this young woman to have you…someone full of the Love and compassion of christ. Even if you didn’t get to speak many words…I bet she felt God love coming through …because you carry His aroma . Have a great weekend…blessings~
My heart breaks everytime we have a loss on the unit. Most nurses don’t want to take them if they can get out of it, but I am drawn….to comfort those in what most be the most horrible experience I could imagine.