I sit in the stillness of the midnight hour, and this house is finally still. And it is only in the wee hours when my body should be sleeping that I find it like this, me sitting here in the aftermath of another day.
And I’m running a marathon that has no end.
There are sprints and burst-of-energy-expenditures required, periodic hills with much resistance, and the occasional steep climbs of my day, presenting opportunities for me to choose whether the moment is a die-on-this-hill kind of moment or not. And after the peak of the steep hill comes the long straight path of running the flat road…and the endurance that is required is almost more than I can bear.
And the problem with this motherhood thing…there is no definitive finish line. One race merges to the next, day after day, and do I really have what it takes to run this motherhood marathon?
I sit and just listen to the silence around, sacrificing my sleep to experience this oasis retreat, my eyes heavy and drooping, and my spirit wilted from it all.
And I wonder is there really enough of me to go around?
And perhaps the me that is going around is pulled in so many directions, and is this why I feel so spent and fragmented?
Me serving and doing and being what they all need, each and every one of them needing something different at every waking moment…
I’m teaching English to the oldest girl, and the Kindergarten son is drawing on the whiteboard and humming a tune and wanting to show me each and every artistic creation, demanding my eyes look up each time. And suddenly the 2nd grade son has a question about math, and as I divert from English to address the math, the littlest calls from the bathroom with a most urgent call for assistance, “I’m dooooonnnneee”, and before I get back, they are both out of their seats on the floor, distracted and not on task.
And before I can calmly redirect, the text comes from the oldest right at the middle of lunch on campus,
“ I don’t have $ can u come now?”
Really?
Me here, and a 15-minute drive from where he is?
And I text back “can’t come now, u must wait till 2:30”
…and he’s not happy and is certain he’ll starve by then.
And I redirect and get everyone back on task, so we can catch up and break for lunch, and then the phone rings…my husband calls and needs me to write something down…and it’s urgent. And I go downstairs to write it down, and I can hear the deterioration of them all up there, sounding like a free-for-all, simply because I left the room…{sigh}.
And I write down the info, and ascend the stairs, and we are behind. And there’s been no lunch, and the house is a mess, and the laundry still going, and we have to leave in an hour for girl’s club and the boy’s Lego club…and we have to leave early enough to pick up the high-schooler first, because he’s been waiting, and in time to swing by to get him food lest he faint on the way…
And on and on it goes…me like a hamster running on one of those circular wheels…spun and dizzy and with my efforts seemingly futile…a marathon indeed.
And the fear creeps in, and the doubt settles near, and the questions come quickly…always so quickly…and they beg for answers…
- Am I doing a good job?
- Can I maintain this pace for the long haul?
- Am I making a difference in their lives?
- And where does my personal time fit in?
- And how to even accomplish everything in a 24-hour day?
…and it’s the answers that elude me.
Oh, don’t get me wrong, compared to most I have things together, and most would say it’s so. But in the things that really matter in this life…with the limited time, with any of my relationships, with each of my responsibilities, with the yearnings of my heart…my greatest fears (the ones in there deep) bubble forcefully to the surface…
Am I enough?
Am I significant?
Am I making a difference?
Does what I bring to the table matter?
What was I put on this earth for?
And these feeling surfaced at the concert the other night, as I sat outside, beneath the stars, under that beautiful September sky…and the refrain he sang brought the tears straight down…
Looking for a reason, roaming through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on, I need your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world
And in this my fortieth year, I’m continuing to search and find my purpose and place in this world. With a deep longing and desire to passionately give myself to what it is that will ultimately matter…
To sacrifice self for the purposeful intentional relationship with my kids…
To love my husband with reckless abandon like every day is our last together…
To connect with other women who I can know deeply and be known in return…
And I’m learning there is so much more I have yet to know than I know now. And it is ever before me that the answers to the questions, and the doubts, and the fears, are really only to be found in the looking to Him who is the source of ALL things.
In going to Him, the maker of heaven and earth, daily, to be affirmed,
And to abide and commune with The Giver of all good and perfect gifts, who can help me see His perspective.
It is only Him, who can help me run this lifelong marathon and address the fears of my heart.
And when I am weakest, it is then that His power and strength is made perfect in me.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (ESV) But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
And as I look to Him, I begin to see the answers from His eyes…
He says I am enough and He rejoices over me…
Isaiah 62:5 (ESV) For as a young man marries a young woman, so shall your sons marry you, and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you.
He says I delight His heart, and He rejoices over me with singing…
Zephaniah 3:17 (NIV) “The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”
And in this marathon that I’m running, amidst the core fears of my heart, I can be still in the quiet of this night. Not just physically still, but my heart can rest in the stillness and reassurance of His perspective, and His companionship.
And when I choose Him, hope will always be only a breath away,
Because He is my rescuer and my lifeline,
And it is His joy that is my strength,
And it is only Him who will get me through the logistics of my marathon days…
Only Him who can slay my fears at their core and answer these questions that have eluded me.
And once again, in the silent debris and aftermath of this long day, I’m choosing to run to Him and lay it all down, in the silence of the now. And I’m still running, a marathon toward Him, with Him, for He is my hope…only Him.
Psalm 25:1-5 (NIV) To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse. Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.
May I diligently run to Him who is my hope, the slayer of my fears, the strengthener of my weary-wondering heart, and my ever-present help in these crazy Am-I-Enough marathon days…is my prayer.
Are you running a marathon too?
What are your deepest fears?
Jackie,
Your words spoke so clear to me. I often feel as you do…running all the time and running on empty most of the time. But it is so clear that your heart is true and pure and that you ARE fulfilling your purpose. God has given you amazing gifts that you are using for His glory. You made a huge impact on my life! When I sat there in the hospital for each test…terrified of what the outcome would be each time, you comforted me and you were the hands and feet of Christ to me. You helped me to remember that God was in control and that He would be by my side through it all. So even though we get weary and tired and wonder if it’s all worth it…just know that it is…because you make a difference in the lives of all you meet! Thank you for being so transparent and for showing us other mom’s we’re not alone!
In Him,
Robyn Blythe
Oh Robyn…thank you for your words, and you are right, we are NOT alone! It was my privilege to get to take care of you, and it is amazing to think Brynn just turned 1! Thank you for blessing me with your kindness and words of grace…