Photo courtesy of  molly_darling

I can still remember it, like it was yesterday, his six-year-old body perched on the kitchen bar stool, gazing at my huge belly. In between bites of peanut butter and jelly, he asked the question without hesitation,

“Mama, how’s the baby gonna come out?”

Just. Like. That.

And I’m not sure why the question caught me by surprise.

You see, I didn’t learn much from my parents about sexuality . . . and it wasn’t completely their fault, because I’m certain they didn’t learn much from their parents either. Through my adolescent years, I lived without important information about my body and the things I should expect.  And it was because of this I was determined to break the silence–I purposed to be different when I became a mother.

I continued to move the rag slowly across the counter, wiping up crumbs as my heart began to pound.

“Well…there’s this special place God makes in a mommy’s body for the baby to come out,” I explained.

“Where’s that?” he asked.

“Well, you know how when you go to the bathroom, there’s a place for the ‘yellows’ to come out, and a place for the ‘poopies’ to come out?”

“Yeah…” he said in his muffled voice,  his mouth full and chewing.

I took a deep breath.

“Well…there’s this special place that God made only for girls. It’s right between where the ‘yellows’ come out and the ‘poopies’ come out. It’s special because it’s only for a baby to come out. Girls have three places and boys only have two,” I said . . . proud of myself for not getting encumbered with all my technical-RN-anatomic lingo.

“So girls have three and boys only have two?” he asked, seeking clarification.

“Yes,” I said.

He climbed off the stool as he finished his sandwich, and with a disgruntled tone exclaimed,

“Girls get three and boys only get two? That’s NOT fair!!”

And off he went to play, just like that.

No. Big. Deal.

And this was the beginning of many open conversations over the years.

Talks about our bodies and what to expect.

Explanations about the changes as they were happening, and answers to things he heard from friends.

Conversations about girls and their bodies, and how to honor them and protect them–sometimes even from themselves.

This oldest son is turning sixteen this month and knows he can trust and depend on me in this most private area of his sexuality.

Over the years we have cultivated open conversations about sexuality, and as a family, we have broken the silence.

5 Steps to Breaking the Silence

1. Stay calm

When the topic of sexuality arises, take some deep breaths and stay calm. Talk yourself down if you have to. To break the cycle you must act like this is ‘no big deal’. As you do, your feelings will follow, and soon the subject WILL be ‘no big deal’. Kids take their cues from us, and if we give them the impression that the topic is unusual, secretive, or dirty, they will think it is too. So no matter what you do, stay calm and fake it till you make it!

2. Share age-appropriate facts 

Always be honest, and explain by reassuring them with age-appropriate truth. Tell them only as much information as they need to know, and convey the information factually.  As you do this, they will learn by experience that they can always depend on you for the answers, and you will be the first one they come to when they have a question.

3. Look for teachable moments

Kids may not always ask direct questions, so be on the look-out for teachable moments, and begin communicating from their youngest years. Look for key cues and entry points for conversation about the topic of sexuality, and then initiate a conversation. Engage in conversations about sexuality just like you talk about other everyday things, during the normal flow of life, not as a formal and awkward pit stop.

4. Keep an open-door policy

Encourage them to come to you any time, and make sure they know that no question is too silly. I often told my son to come to me if he heard something he wasn’t sure about, and I promised I’d tell him the truth. Over time he learned by experience that no question was off-limits, and we have had some very interesting and candid conversations.

5. Reinforce God’s Word and convey your belief in their ability to honor Him with their sexuality

In every conversation, reinforce God’s plan for their sexual choices, by pointing them to His Word. Not only for a list of what they can do or can’t do, but so they can understand the reason behind God’s directives–the physical and emotional consequences of disobedience in this area. God hasn’t given parameters to ruin our fun, but to protect our hearts. And in the midst of discussing and teaching, make sure they know you believe in them–in their ability to honor God with their sexuality.

It is so important to break the silence and talk to our children about sexuality. And in doing this, it will strengthen our children with the power of truth as we share in the context of love–always eliminating fear, dispelling myths, and equipping their hearts to honor God with their bodies and their lives.

Did you grow up in a silence?

Do you struggle having conversations about sexuality with your children? 

What has helped you break the silence with your kids? 

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