It was sixteen years ago now, and I can still remember the beginning of my motherhood journey– them handing him to me for the first time. And I remember the feelings that flooded me in that moment, like a tidal wave crashing down. And they all stood around me smiling, our parents so happy to meet their first grandchild. And beneath the outward smile, as I examined every little part of him, I remember my thoughts. This was it. I was a mother and there was no turning back.
I remember the dichotomy of both the love and the fear … the love that overwhelmed me, and the fear that terrified me. I had not anticipated my capacity for such love, nor the fear that came from the realization that this new little person was solely dependent on me. And it was then that all my doubting began…
Would I be capable?
Could I do this?
How would I do this?
What kind of mother would I be?
I still remember the desperation two days later, as they wheeled me out to my car that Christmas eve … the nurse smiling and so very happy for me. Me trying to erect a dam inside to hold back my tears, but they rushed right through, spilling over my eyelids and right down my cheeks. Sometimes tears come from sadness, but this time they rolled down from the weight of the responsibility before me. And a deep fear of inadequacy persisted beneath the launching of my new role.
And looking back over what is now sixteen years of motherhood for me, it is this oldest son who has broken me in to each new season of motherhood. In the process, he has taught me more than I’ve taught him–so many lessons I have learned. It has been my love for him that made me desire to learn how to be a mother, and the fear of the role that made me seek out wisdom and knowledge.
And as a result, I’m different today than I was then. And while it’s true I’ve gained more knowledge in how to be a mother, there’s so much more for me to learn–much more wisdom to attain.
And I’ve come to know that it is my love for God and my fear of Him, that must always coexist … and that is the very key to my success as a mother.
And I am purposing to both love Him and fear Him as I continue along my motherhood journey–always in reverence to Him, and awe of Him. Always seeking the wisdom and knowledge only He provides.
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge… Proverbs 1:7a (NASB) The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, And the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding. Proverbs 9:10 (NASB) The fear of the LORD is a fountain of life… Proverbs 14:27a (NASB) The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom… Psalm 111:10a (NASB) The fear of the LORD leads to life… Proverbs 19:23a (NASB) The reward of humility and the fear of the LORD Are riches, honor and life. Proverbs 22:4 (NASB)
May His love overwhelm, and our fear and awe of Him remain, that we may gain knowledge and wisdom and fullness of life, that only He can give, is my prayer.
Have you ever felt love and fear at the same time?
As my husband and I left our family to serve as missionaries I felt such love for my family that I was leaving behind and fear of what if something happens to them or if we were doing the right thing.
Yes! And one of the best examples is the one you’ve mentioned in this post. Motherhood.
Thank you Jacque!
I love what you bring to the table in this post. How we must have both, the love for and fear of the Lord. So often we say we love God but we don’t fear Him or we fear Him but we don’t accept His love. It’s so true that the balance is where we find our strength to be good mothers and to truly walk in His wisdom. My oldest is 11 now and I still remember that feeling when they handed him to me in the hospital. Thanks for sharing your heart.