I was sure I understood the mercy of God years before I actually did.
Life was simple growing up in a Christian home … on a walnut orchard down the end of a dirt lane.
And the pace of life in my rural crop-filled San-Joaquin-Valley town was slow and steady.
My mom made sure our life was faith-filled, and my dad taught me the value of working hard. We’d always work outside together, and by the age of twelve, I was driving the big red tractor all by myself–endlessly disking the weeds that never seemed to go away.
Being born a “pleaser-type” made it easy for me to follow rules, make others happy, and receive praise. I innately longed for harmony, approval, and acceptance. And to my heart, praise meant I was being loved.
So I became the representative “good girl” in every way, convincing myself that if I got a good enough grade, sang my solo without a mistake, or threw more strikes than balls in a game, I would be certain to receive the affirmation I craved.
Performing well became my highest goal—an addiction of sorts. And although I didn’t consciously realize what I was doing, a big problem began to develop over time.
I began to believe that the love and affirmation I received was dependent upon my ability to perform and achieve.
And I even transferred this belief to my relationship with God. I spent time doing FOR God instead of being WITH God, and became preoccupied with performing for Him too. I didn’t realize it at the time, but in actuality, I was trying to earn His love.
As an active youth-group member we learned to witness to others. I remember knowing just the right words to say and just the right ways to act.
For years I told others how God’s mercy was enough for them … how He would meet them right where they are, and how nothing could separate them from His love. I knew it intellectually, but looking back, I hadn’t absorbed it emotionally.
Although I knew I was technically a “sinner”, I wasn’t really convinced I was that bad. I had learned to define myself by my performance—trying to be “good” at all times, and as a result, persuaded myself that I probably was!
Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. First pride, then the crash—the bigger the ego, the harder the fall. Proverbs 16:18 (NIV & The Message)
I began to plan my perfect little black-and-white life, with me in total control. And I became convinced if I just did everything right, life would be happy, everything would work out, and I wouldn’t have pain.
But upholding this level of perfectionism over time grew weary…
And living in the prison of being responsible for everyone else’s feelings was futility.
And years later, I would learn through counseling what I had really been doing–this dangerous way I’d been thinking.
Because eventually, instead of being in total control, I lost control. And when I did, a whole new world came into view. I came face to face with my depravity, and there’s nothing like that to change your perspective. My failure changed my view in a way only it could, and all the shades of gray to which I’d been blinded, suddenly came into view.
And the mercy that found me was a new mercy I had never known.
Reaching the end of myself made me finally realize how very much I needed rescue. ←Click to Tweet
And I began to grasp the relief that could only be found in the depth of His love…
A love not based on performance.
A love so deep there was nothing I could do to make Him love me more,
And absolutely nothing I could do to make Him love me less.
He had loved me the whole time…
In my pious perfectionistic mess,
And in my flailing failure too.
And when mercy found me, it was a mercy that was all new.
A mercy I had never really known before.
Have you ever thought you were “pretty good”?
Are you stuck in the prison of performance-based love?
To read When Mercy Found Me {Day 4} ←click here
To read ALL posts in this series, When Mercy Found Me ←click here
Beautiful words & sentiment. I can relate all too well.
You are telling this with such grace, my friend. Yes, I can relate to thinking I am “pretty good” and performance-based love. It was from the pit he rescued me, it was not of my doing…touch lesson to learn.
It’s funny because the whole good girl thing wasn’t ever really an issue with me. I always knew I was bad. I knew that there were things “wrong” with me and that if left to myself I was never good enough but the result was the same. Always trying to earn God’s love. Always trying to appease what I felt was an angry God. Grace is a beautifully simple yet profound truth and it can be so very hard to really grasp.
Thank you Laura…
Yes, it IS a tough lesson to learn…and I’m still learning. I still remember the day the counselor looked straight into my eyes and said… “How long? How LONG will you choose to be in this prison? The choice is yours.” And although angry at first, I knew He was right. And it’s a daily surrender for me even still, requiring lots of grace from the Lord and my own heart!
Ahhh…the same result. Oh how many ways we can get there…trying to be good enough and earn God’s love. Grace is simple and profound, yes, but complex at the same time, because we have to allow it’s truth to penetrate our hearts, and to do that we have to believe that God really is good, and that what He says about us is true…we ARE chosen, we ARE beloved just as we are, and with His sacrifice, we ARE already enough…just right now, right where we are. No matter what. And THAT is the remarkable beauty of grace. Nothing about it is our doing…NOTHING. Love you!
We have very similar journeys. As always, continue to be blessed to walk alongside you as you retell your story.
Thank you so much Jamie!
Love this message. we are a lot alike… and i love hearing about your childhood… it’s always so fun to learn more about the person behind the blog. 😉