I don’t remember the exact moment mercy found me. It was more of a process over time, but I know when it all began.
It was Easter Sunday, 1999. And I was a mess.
As I crawled out of bed, my feet touched the cold wood floor, and I knew the next time I crawled back in, my life would not be the same.
It was finally here. The day I had waited for.
I had hoped it would arrive, and wished it would come, but now was dreading it just the same.
I gazed into the mirror, seeing a person I didn’t really know … a person I never thought I’d be. How had life spiraled so out of control? A zillion tiny decisions, one after another had led me here, like a path that subtly veers off the road … eventually leading to a place far, far away, and that’s where I had traveled.
Growing up, it was our family tradition to get a new dress for Easter, and this year was no exception. As I put on my new blue dress, clasped my jewelry and slid on my shoes, I looked put together from the outside, but I was unraveling from the inside. The desperation of my double life had consumed and controlled me far too long, and the guilt was smothering my heart.
I pulled out of the driveway of our cute yellow house on that tree-lined cul-de-sac street, and my three-year old son and I made our short drive to church–just like every Sunday morning. As we drove, he hummed in His car seat and drummed his little fingers on his knees, as only a music pastor’s son would.
My solo with the orchestra went off without a glitch and the entire morning’s production culminated with an invitation. I watched from the platform as people responded to the life-changing invitation. And as planned, the balloons and confetti fell from above–a celebration of their new beginning with Christ.
I watched in slow-motion as the balloons slowly fell and landed on the floor, and I couldn’t help but wonder … where would I eventually land?
The drive to Easter brunch was long and I didn’t feel much like eating. My parents were in town and couldn’t stop raving about the wonderful service–how the music was so moving, and how so many had responded. Yet I wondered what they would think of me when tomorrow came. Honestly, I never had any intention of disappointing them.
The drive home from lunch was equally long, and when my parents and son finally left for their vacation week together, I knew it was time … it had been time for a long time.
The moment was here, and I was looking forward to the truth, but dreading the words just the same.
How do you possibly say words that will change the course of someone’s life?
Change their world?
Change everything?
I took a deep breath, and I just began … one excruciating word at a time … speaking the truth, so it could begin to set me free.
When has it been hard for you to speak the truth?
Have you ever experienced the longing to be free?
To read When Mercy Found Me {Day 2} ←click here
To read ALL posts in this series, When Mercy Found Me ←click here
Amy {One Day Closer} says
Praying for you, as your share your story! Thank you for being this brave. God is going to use this in big ways. ♥ So blessed to have crossed paths with you (at Relevant ’11). Grace is unfolding, and you are thunder in the desert!
By His Grace,
Amy
http://www.onedaycloserblog.com
Jacque Watkins says
Amy…I can’t thank you enough for your prayers and generous words of encouragement…so timely. *thank you*
Brooke McGlothlin says
Well you got me Ms Cliff-hanger! I’m thrilled to keep reading Jacque!
Mary Bonner says
I am also praying for you as you share your story Jacque.
Kayse Lee Pratt says
Praying for you too. And also, your words are beautiful. Keep sharing.
Ro elliott says
lifting in prayer…
Jacque Watkins says
Yes…LOL! Thank you Brooke 🙂
Jacque Watkins says
Oh Mary…thank you, my mercy-friend!
Jacque Watkins says
Kayse, thank you for your prayers and the blessing of your encouraging words!
Jacque Watkins says
Ro, I know you are, and I’m SO blessed by you, and SO thankful to call you friend!
Amy Tilson says
Jacque, I’ve noidea where this is going, but I’ll be reading to find out. I’m surethis was difficult to write, so thank you. More tomorrow??
Kris Camealy says
praying for you tonight, Jaque. Just praying!! XO
Jennifer says
I can’t wait to read more! You have written a beautiful post. I know God will bless you for sharing your heart and bringing encouragment to others.
Elisa Drain says
You inspire me Jacque..
Jacque Watkins says
Hoping to post at least every other day…It was a delight to meet you at allume!
Jacque Watkins says
So thankful for you…truly. xoxo
Jacque Watkins says
Jennifer, thank you for your encouraging words and for joining me here!
Angela Hertica says
Jacque, I’m excited to see how God is going to use our story to encourage and minister to others.
Jacque Watkins says
Oh Lisa, thank you. I thought of you as I mailed your Christmas card today, and reflected on how much I admire the grace with which you live. God sees, and He knows, and He is SO in love with you! Blessings to you, Rick and family!
Jacque Watkins says
Thank you Angela…me too, friend, me too…it is such a privilege for Him to not only use us, but to allow us to see how He is using it for good. What an awesome God He is!
Kimberly Moons says
I love you Jacque and am thankful for your beautiful heart!!! You are an inspiration to me and so many other women. I love how God is using you to bring hope and encouragement in Christ through your gift of writing. I just love you!!!!
Jacque Watkins says
Sweet friend…thank you…xoxoxo
Alia_Joy says
I’ve been wanting to get over here to read for a bit now, but have been a little buried myself. I am sucked in and can’t wait to learn more about you and about the God who is so evident in your life.
Jacque Watkins says
Thank you Alia! Your presence here means more than you know…I’m so thankful for you!