Over the next five years, we walked through a long restoration process. After having an affair with each other, getting divorced, and then marrying one another, the failure seemed to bury us.
We had few friends.
We shared custody of Matthew.
Thad lost his career, and returned to college to pursue a new one.
And we spent time seeking forgiveness and reconciliation from people we had hurt or wronged. And it was a long and painful process of practicing humility, killing selfishness, and experiencing an unrelenting sorrow for sin.
The problem with our situation was that others assumed we thought what we did was okay–that we may not have thought we were wrong. And it became important, as part of our restoration process, to go back to those whom we wounded by our choices, acknowledge our wrongdoing, and sincerely ask for forgiveness.
And over the course of five years we did so, one person at a time. We wrote letters, made phone calls, and met with those we had hurt. Thad ultimately returned and met with the elder board at the church where he previously worked to acknowledge his failure–to admit the lies, the adultery, the cheating, and the double life, and to ask for forgiveness.
By 2005, I sensed I had two major things to do in order to complete my healing and restoration.
First, I needed to write to Thad’s ex-wife and ask for her forgiveness. My heart had carried the weight of what I’d done to her for years. We had been couple’s friends and I was full of shame to have been “that woman” in her life … the one who is your friend, has an affair with your husband, and destroys your life as you know it. That was me.
I thought of reaching out to her countless times, and wondered and hoped she was alright. But after the separation and divorce, I had no idea where she lived or how to reach her. And so, in my process of restoration, she remained as the last one I needed to write. And I was terrified.
But the tugging at my heart to find her and write to her, would not relent. God was calling me to do this for my own heart, regardless of her response. I was to do it out of obedience to Him. And I began to beg Him for direction and timing in my efforts to find her.
And God is so good.
Randomly, in April 2005, my brother and sister-in-law coincidentally ran into her while visiting a church. She was remarried, with a son, and didn’t live far from us. They reconnected with her and obtained her contact information.
And as soon as I heard, I knew exactly what I needed to do.
But how to find the words?
What words could I possibly say?
So I just began …with truth, one word at a time.
On April 22, 2005, full of fear …but with a will to obey … I dropped a hand-written card in a big blue postal box, and mailed it to her.
Kim, I am humbled and repentant as I write to ask for your forgiveness. Eight years ago I committed adultery with your husband and repeatedly lied to cover it up. I was only thinking of myself and my sin was selfish. I believed the lie that no one would ever know, the relationship would end, and no one would be hurt. This was obviously a lie and many people were deeply hurt as a result. I continue to ponder the hurt I caused and regret being the cause of pain for others, as well as myself. My choices and decisions were very wrong and I alone am responsible for those choices. Please forgive me for the intense pain my actions caused you. It is difficult for me to find any words that could begin to ease the pain it must have caused you. I am so very sorry. This letter to you is part of my restoration process as I live with the consequences of the deep sin in which I was involved. I have come part of the way, but still have more to go. I have thought of you so often over the past years and have wondered and hoped you were alright. Please know how sorry I am and please forgive me. Jacque
And God is so good.
Two days after I sent it, I received a letter back from her.
Two. Days.
I walked back from the mailbox as my heart raced, went inside, and closed the door. I sat down and put the letter on the table, and I just stared at it.
Then … finally, I picked it up. And with hands trembling, I opened it…
Jacque, Words cannot describe how touched I was by your card. I can’t imagine the courage it must have taken to put such feelings on paper and send them to me. I want you to know I have completely forgiven you and Thad for what happened. I believe that God has complete healing and peace for you. I know He was smiling on you as you wrote to me and that each step you take towards restoration, He honors and will give you what you need. More than anything, I know that God loves you so much. Any forgiveness you seek, any feelings of guilt or shame or regret was covered on the day Jesus died on the cross. He paid for them and you are released from their power! Rest in that. Know too, that I am alright. I have been on my own journey towards restoration and healing. God is showing me that He is faithful and that He loves us more than we could ever imagine. His love absolves all pain. Jacque, I believe God has big plans for your life. I believe He wants to use you and Thad in ways that are unique to your gifting. Don’t be afraid to step out in faith and let Him use you again. I have been praying that God would continue to heal you and that you would begin to sense His immense blessings in your lives. If we should ever meet again, know that I will welcome you with open arms. I love you. Kim
And sometimes mercy finds us when someone chooses to forgive us…
And being given the gift of forgiveness will set a heart free. ←Tweet That
I lifted my tear-filled eyes to the sky, closed her card, and held it to my chest.
And blinking away the tears I gave thanks.
Thanks for her gift of forgiveness,
Thanks for her mercy that found me,
Thanks for her life-giving words,
Thanks for the hope she shared,
And thanks to God, in his grace, to allow such a gift to be given to me.
In her response, she saturated me with unconditional love. Just like Jesus.
She didn’t have to do it.
She didn’t have to write back immediately, or write back at all. She didn’t have to speak words of hope to my heart, be so gracious and encouraging, or welcome me with open arms.
I had destroyed everything, and here we were six years later and she was blessing me.
April 25, 2005.
My life changed that day, and I have never been the same.
She gave me a gift–one I didn’t deserve. And a huge part of me was set free.
“We don’t forgive people because they deserve it. We forgive them because they need it–because we need it.” ―Bree Despain
In the aftermath of experiencing some of the deepest pain imaginable, pain that I caused … she forgave.
She didn’t have to, but she did.
And while I learned that day, the power of forgiveness to heal and set a heart free…
There was still one more thing for me to do … I had to forgive myself.
And that would prove to be the hardest of all…
How has offering forgiveness to someone else healed you?
How has being forgiven set you free?
To read When Mercy Found Me {Day 11} ←click here
To read ALL posts in this series, When Mercy Found Me ←click here
I came to your Blog through a Google search for HGTV’s Sarah’s Summer Cottage- I like to design and build houses and I love her designs- after seeing your post about Sarah and the pictures of her cottage, I saw When Mercy Found Me- Being someone who loves both Mercy and Grace, I was interested in why you would title a post in that manner- I went to day # 9, read the story and was amazed at your story-then read all of your post from day 1- day 9. I am amazed by your story and willingness to share it and also by your understanding of Grace and Mercy. I know that you would not wish this type of experience on anyone, but it is absolutely a story of Grace and Mercy on and from many people in your life. I could not wait to get home from church today to see if you had added more to your story. Wow, I am sure as you mentioned, that her words amazed you, because they were amazing to me. Thanks again for your story, I will be following to see how you got from that moment to where you are now and what God has done in all of your lives.
Art
I have to correct my comment- In my search for Sarah’s Summer Cottage, it took me to a blog called the beauty of one, and she had commented on Sarah’s Summer Cottage- at the bottom of her post, she listed 10-15 blogs that she followed, it was there that I saw When Mercy Found Me and clicked on it to start my reading of Day 9- sorry, but wanted to be accurate.
Art
Jacque,
I remember when you told me this story, about Thad’s ex-wife forgiving you, but to read it…. To read her words and yours. Wow! Such a beautiful representation of two lives restored. I am enjoying your series so much, and I feel like a silent mouse in the “cheering” corner. I am proud of you for stepping out to tell your story so others can be healed as well.
I love you friend. : )
Jacque, you bless deep with your story. I’m so thankful for the courage you’re exercising to share so honestly. Thank you. Praying God would complete this work of healing, whatever remains. I know from experience that deep hurt brings a long river of restoration. Hugs!
I continue to be amazed at the grace with which you tell your story. And the honesty. The frankness…dear friend, I so admire your courage. I love you…truly I do! You are ministering to me in ways you cannot imagine.
I’ve been quietly reading along all the way with you Jacque. Amazed by the God we serve. Sending you much love, Lisa-Jo.
Art, thank you for taking the time to write such thoughtful words to me…and I’m standing with you amazed at our God and how He works in our lives…even through our most broken places. Blessings to you!
Thank you…that makes sense, so glad you stopped by 🙂
Oh Denise, my friend, thank you. Just. Thank you. For praying and believing and cheering, that God could use even my story for Him. I am SO thankful for your friendship. XOXO
Ah yes…a long river, I know it well. Thank you for your sweet words, they encourage me more than you know…and thank you for praying…that even one heart would know they are not alone, that God’s mercy is abundant and His grace is available, and that He really will make all things beautiful in His time, if we let Him.
All Him, my friend, God has been so very good and gracious to me…thank you for taking the time to write such a beautiful message to me. I’ve longed to know even this story, my story, can help even one someone…thank you for reading, for loving me, and for being my mercy friend. XOXO
Standing with you amazed and in awe of Him, and the way He truly does redeem and restore ALL things. I am in-the-flesh living proof of that. Thank you for quietly reading…for sending your love, and for inspiring me to stare fear in the face, write brave, and hit publish anyway. Writing with courage can be a lonely place sometimes…never really knowing if it is making a difference. I am learning that the fear can be a necessary part of my journey to write as He is calling me to write, and I’m leaning into it as I go. I am so deeply thankful for you, more than you know, much more than you know.
So thankful for the forgiveness and grace extended to us all ~ none of which we ever deserve. But God gives us grace anyway. Thank you for sharing your story here …
Giving thanks with you for the grace we don’t deserve and for the healing it brings to our hearts. And thank you … for being my friend, all this time…
Well, cue the goosebumps and tears.
Girl, what a gem you are. You are brave and beautiful, gracious and good. So thankful God redeems the worst and turns it into some of our best. I love you!
I’m touched by this in too many ways to share in comments. But thank you for being so brave in sharing your story.
I just don’t know quite what to say except your story is incredible…and it is such a real human picture of the unbelievable unmerited favor of grace, mercy, forgiveness Jesus offers us time and time again. God will use everything for His glory, to reveal who He really is. Thank you…
I have to stop now and get some things accomplished this morning. I’ve been reading your story for over thirty minutes! Thank you for writing it. I am touched by your transparency. You have brought many things to light. You have written something for everyone on every side of this situation. Sin is never as cut and dry as it appears. You have revealed the pain involved so eloquently. I look forward to reading more and I am so happy to find a good note to stop on.
Stunning. What a beautiful depiction of Christ’s immense love for His children. His relentless pursuit to reveal His authentic love for us through our brokenness. Thank You for truly blessing my Spirit with such transparency.
Jacque- we met at Declare (on the way to the airport…) I was drawn to your blog because you have such a sincere and pure presence- This series about your story is immensely powerful- and such a picture of healing and grace. THANK YOU for being real and transparent…God is using your words and your vulnerability to change the course of LIVES and FAMILIES!! Thank you for being willing. I’m in tears over God’s redemption and endless mercy. Bless you!!
It was indeed nice to meet you Francie. Thank you for your words of encouragement and for seeing the power of His great mercy, even through me. xo
I am you. I was the other woman. I broke up a home and married a man that wasn’t mine to marry. I left my husband. I’m still with this man and God has forgiven me and I’ve learned to forgive myself. We have two children together and my husband is not saved, but by God’s grace, he will be. I felt the same inexplicable pull you did to seek forgiveness from his ex-wife last year. I’m actually speaking about the freedom found in that experience in my blog tomorrow and here I find this post tonight. I called her and left a message that I would like to meet. So in sheer terror and trembling I went to her house and sat in her living room and cried with her as I sought her forgiveness and she gave it. I love this woman. I haven’t spoke to her since, but I love her. She did the unthinkable after I did the unthinkable. Grace is beyond understanding, and forgiveness is the gift of life in so many ways. I haven’t told my story as you have. Not yet. Maybe that’s on God’s heart for me to do one day. Maybe one day soon. Thank you for your courage and for sharing your heart and your story. I find more peace than you can know in hearing it.
Oh Meredith…isn’t forgiveness the greatest gift? Oh that I may have the capacity to extend it in as deep a way as it has been given to me…this. This is my deep prayer. Sending so much love to you, sweet sister. xo
I ran across your blog today and have been reading your story. Thank you for sharing so honestly. What a hard thing God called you to do in writing this letter but what a gift was returned to you in the unconditional love that was returned! Only God could bring about that kind of forgiveness in a heart! I really don’t even have words …just so thankful that he meets us in the hard places and works miracles of healing that we could never imagine!