Long before mercy really found me, I didn’t realize I should be the one giving it—that I should be granting grace and undeserved favor, especially in my marriage. It never occurred to me that I’d need to, because honestly … I didn’t think marriage would be that hard. From a young age I watched my parents and other married couples who loved God, and they seemed happy. It just made sense to my “good girl” mind that if I followed God’s “rules”, life would fall right into place.
So, at the all-knowing mature age of 21, I married my college sweetheart.
I hadn’t dated much. And once I met him, I was sure I didn’t need to. He was witty and fun and his family background and love for God immediately captivated me. I just knew I was riding off into the sunset with my prince charming to live happily ever after. Life might be hard for some, but it wouldn’t be for me. That I knew.
But my immature and ignorant idealism soon rammed into reality, and the truth of marriage was more shocking than I could have ever imagined.
As virgins we had waited so long to experience this amazing gift called sex. The anticipation had been building and the day finally arrived. But by the following Wednesday I was in tears … to realize my body was more complicated than his … to find out sex is a skill to be learned over time … to discover that communication, talking, and dreaming about what you want is required? Wow. I felt like a failure. I clammed up. I didn’t talk. I didn’t know how. For so long everything sexual was off limits and now the sky was the limit. I had no idea where to start.
My idealism collided with reality, leaving debris all over my dreams. ←Click to Tweet
But that certainly wasn’t all … in fact, that was the least of it all.
There were male and female differences, personality nuances, communication glitches, and family of origin issues. We both had needs, but never realized how vastly different we were.
I wanted to be heard and understood, he wanted to be admired and respected.
I wanted to talk and eat, he wanted to ride mountain bikes and boogie board.
He liked to fix problems, and I liked to talk in circles about them just be heard.
I was a feeler, he was a thinker,
I was a doer, he was a dreamer.
Once we were married and began living together, I allowed the polarities to become exaggerated. Instead of minimizing the differences and embracing the similarities, instead of extending mercy and grace, I allowed the disparities to shatter my blissful ride off into the sunset.
And after three years, we had come to an impasse.
And the question became…
Who would move first?
Who would meet the other’s needs first?
And in my immaturity I decided he should move first.
And I did nothing.
In December 1995, we had a baby … our first baby. And my heart became captivated by this new-found motherhood! Don’t get me wrong, it was hard … one of the hardest things I’d ever done, but he was the best Christmas present I ever received. I never imagined my heart was capable of love this deep. I smelled his soft little head as we rocked in the night and held him tight as he ate. I kissed his neck as I rubbed his back and couldn’t wait for each new day. We spent every waking moment together and I found great fulfillment in bonding and connecting with my sweet new baby boy.
And while my marriage continued to have subtle issues, I was convinced there would be plenty of time to deal with them–that they weren’t that big of a deal. Besides, I was a pastor’s wife. I was supposed to have everything together. And for the most part, I thought I did. I just figured these were simply a few easily overcome glitches in my riding-off-into-the-sunset plan. Besides, even if I could articulate the issues, who would really relate to what I was going through anyway?
And over time, I became more and more isolated and alone.
I threw myself into my new mothering role, I focused on finishing nursing school, and I served faithfully in ministry. And between all three of those things, I stayed very busy.
And I told no one.
Have you ever stayed busy to avoid dealing with something in your life?
What do you think is the hardest thing about marriage?
Have you ever felt isolated and alone?
To read When Mercy Found Me {Day 5} ←click here
To read ALL posts in this series, When Mercy Found Me ←click here
Thank you for sharing your life with us. We’ve only been married three years, but I would say that the hardest part is putting the desires of the other one ahead of our own. Thankfully, we’ve been very much in a cheesy sort of love, and that love of romance has carried us through dry spots (you know, with a little one, it’s just exhausting).
Again, thank you for sharing. Your wisdom is true, and I’m loving reading your story!
Sarah…your words mean so much to me. Thank you for reading, for seeing His mercy and His grace…for looking through to Him despite my mess. You bless me 🙂
grace as you continue to share honestly from your heart…I am walking along side(God dropped me here) of 5 marriages…ranging from 8-31 yrs…all hanging on the cliff…it breaks open my heart…thank you for being willing to share so others can learn….blessings~
I’m sending a woman to your blog. She desperately needs to know God’s forgiveness and mercy. Thank you for being transparent and raw.
Ro, I can relate…walking aside a few myself, and you’re right…heart breaking wide open. And I know the pain. Blessings to you as well, friend!
Ahh, and His mercy and grace are waiting in abundance…praying, friend!
This is one of your best post. We can totally relate to it. You have hit he nail on the head of what is missing in Christian education and young people looking to get married. We all buy into the myth marriage will be easy and sex will be great and easy. Thanks for sharing this! I wish our Alma Mater would add a class into their curriculum for those getting married right out of school like we all did. It would be the best thing they could do for their students. Reading this post has brought back the struggles Jenn and I had in the begining and thinking we were the only ones.
Thank you Matt…thank you for sharing that, and I think you are so right! Couples need REAL counseling before marriage not only by a trained counselor to discuss deeper issues (like family of origin, spiritual roles, and personality testing), but ideally to be paired with a seasoned couple before marriage, to connect with them, and to have them as a resource to walk alongside them in the early years–a couple they can call or go to, and confide in, who can pour into their lives so they don’t feel alone. We are currently serving in this kind of program in our church. It’s called The Marriage Mentoring program, and it is so beautiful how God has allowed our failures and brokenness to now help other marriages. Marriages that perhaps can be saved from the pain of poor choices, the devastation of divorce…and consequences that never go away. Give my love to Jen!
Jacque, I know how this story ends and it it brings back such memories from every stage of life we experienced together. (and to think we’re only half way there! 🙂 ) I’m so glad you finally feel some peace about life and all the messiness that it includes, but I also know that it is an ongoing journey, one in which we sometimes would prefer not to walk. I can say that God has a plan and although He only wants what’s best for us, brokenness WILL happen and during those times He walks along beside us, sometimes just patiently waiting……, to teach not only ourselves, but sometimes others how big a God we really serve. TRUST that His plan is at work through your life and His light will shine for others to see. Through your pain a ministry and passion has emerged, which ultimately is the most fulfilling thing one can do here on earth. Remember, we are better people for having been through crap and I for one, want to be a better person. Too bad we can’t figure out how to be better without God’s subtle and not so subtle lessons! Hang in there, my friend. God bless your transparency and your new passion. Love You!
What can I possibly say to help you know how much you mean to me? And for you to visit me here and write such words…thank you. Thank you for being my friend through it all. For loving me despite my unloveliness. And it IS through our brokenness that God shines the light of His grace through to the world, that they may know of His great love. Thank you for your love and support and generous words of encouragement. Love you so very much!
For years and Celebrate Recovery 12 step, and other christian step groups, I have been through, I have never ever ‘got it’, and my hard heart stayed that way until your testimony!!!!!!! The part where you sat in the meadow and God said Get over it, and all that came from that, MINISTERED to me especially, your candor, your humble heart, your deep deep deep remorse, wow- it spoke volumes of your integrity. Now, the blood of the Lamb flowed over and through the tough hard heart, of mine, I am indeed grateful for you and your testimony. I walked around feeling unforgivable, even though I knew that I knew Jesus and we are not condemned, it didn’t matter,-nothing got through. I hope you understand just how valuable and wonderful your intense testimony is and you are an inspiration. THANK YOU
Thank you so much for sharing with me…YOU are why I write. That someone like you might be able to know, really know, how great God’s love is, how He pursues us and never lets go, how His mercy never ends and finds us again and again, and how there is NO thing He cannot redeem. Blessings to you!!