When Mercy Found Me {Day 5} Getting Lost

In order to be found by mercy, we are usually already lost.

And many times we get lost in the middle of a battle– every woman’s battle … a battle that starts in the thoughts of our mind. And then, wages war in our heart.

And in the spring of 1996, my battle started. A battle within my mind. A battle I would eventually lose.

I’ve always loved singing and musical theater. In high school it was The Music Man, then GREASE, and then my role as Sarah in Guys & Dolls. And Les Miserables has to be my favorite musical of all time. Whether watching or performing, any story told with music and drama has always drawn me in.

And so, when I was hired to play the role of Mary in a Christmas musical production, I was elated. The musical, Two From Galilee, was based on the book by Marjorie Holmes, and was being done at another church in our area. It told the Christmas story through the eyes of Mary and Joseph, conveying their love story—an endearing perspective we don’t normally consider. The script was moving and the songs were lyrical, with every line in the musical being sung instead of spoken. Captivating and beautiful, from the first time I heard it, I couldn’t wait to be a part. I would play Mary, and the music pastor from their church would play Joseph.

All summer I threw myself into the role. I read the book and tried to imagine how Mary must have felt—trying to step into her shoes. I longed to see the situation through her eyes–to see what she would have seen, and feel what she would have felt. I imagined what it would have been like to have an angel appear to you, and tell you you’re going to give birth to a child. I empathized with the agony of telling your fiancée the news, as he would certainly accuse you of being unfaithful to him. I anticipated the anger of Mary and Joseph’s parents, and the scandal it would certainly spark in the small town of Galilee. But through it all, I became captivated by her passionate love for Joseph, his faithfulness to her, and the beauty of the truth that a Savior was born.

We began rehearsals in August, and although I was one of the only cast members who did not attend their church, I was greeted with welcoming smiles and engaging conversation. The music pastor and his wife were especially kind and went out of their way to make me feel welcome.

Rehearsals progressed along through the fall, and then, one Sunday afternoon in November, as I was getting ready for rehearsal, I was caught off guard by the racing of my heart. I struggled to find just the right thing to wear, and pondered a bit too long how to do my hair.

And suddenly, it hit me like a freight train picking up speed. In a nervous, I-care-too-much sort of way, I had begun to look forward to rehearsals … and I realized … it was because of him.

He welcomed me, protected me, and cared about my opinion.

I admired him and respected him, for his leadership, assertiveness, and responsibility.

And I was scared and invigorated at the same time.

In the weeks that followed I allowed my mind free rein. I found myself beginning to dream of possibilities, think about scenarios, and ponder what-ifs.

I continued my daily life at home and in ministry…

But I began a whole new world in my mind.

A world I was sure would never be reality, but began to make my days more exciting. I fed those thoughts, and revisited them with increasing frequency, allowing my mind to wander free.

We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God,

and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ…

2 Corinthians 10:5 (NASB)

I was failing to captivate my thoughts … lofty thoughts against what I knew was right.

But I told no one.

By the time the performances came in December, I was thinking of him daily, and eager to see him. I wondered if I was confusing my Mary-role with reality. But my thoughts continued to expand and I dreamed of what it would be like to spend more time together. I wondered…

Was he feeling it too?

Was there really an attraction between us?

But I said nothing. After all, we were both married, not to mention how stupid I would feel when he didn’t feel the same way.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flows the springs of life.

Proverbs 4:23 (NIV, NASB)

I was failing to guard my heart … the very source of my life.

I had become emotionally attached—a one-sided connection in my own heart and mind.

THIS was my battle.

And still … I told no one.

Because, getting lost in my thoughts and allowing my mind to wander was like pouring water on a piece of dry, cracked ground. ←Tweet this

I was saturated with the excitement of dreaming,

Sure I was harming no one,

Convinced I was doing nothing wrong,

And justifying it all by believing nothing would ever come of it.

And I was persuaded to believe the lie, that no one would ever know.

Have you ever struggled with the thoughts in your mind?

Did you believe the lie that they were harmless?

What was your struggle like?

To read When Mercy Found Me {Day 6} ←click here

To read ALL posts in this series, When Mercy Found Me ←click here

Related posts:

When Mercy Found Me {Day 1} The Beginning When Mercy Found Me {Day 7} A Hardened Heart When Mercy Found Me {Day 8} The Surrender