When Mercy Found Me {Day 6} The Affair

The final night had come … the last time I’d sing the role of Mary, the last time I’d portray what she thought and felt, and the last moments before an impending goodbye. I cried through the closing scene, struggling to pull myself together before singing the last song.

And after the post-show mingling and the goodbyes to new friends, I returned to the silence of my dressing room with a heavy heart. Everyone had gone. And I was left alone with my thoughts to process all that happened. I picked up one item at a time and slowly packed my things. And just as I was ready to walk to my car, I heard the knock on my half-opened door.

“I wanted to stop by on my way out and say thank you,“ he said, peeking in from behind the door, and handing me a card with my check inside.

I could feel the flood of tears right beneath the surface.

The moment had come. This was the goodbye.

I wanted to cry, but managed to hold myself together … I didn’t want to say goodbye.

And then the sound of his words broke the lamenting in my mind.

“I want you to know I’m going to miss you … and I think I’m attracted to you.”

I stood stunned with surprise, and my heart raced … I told him I was attracted to him too.

But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust.

Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin;

and when sin is accomplished it brings forth death.

James 1:14-15 (NASB)

 

Over the next months, my husband and I began a friendship with him and his wife. And he and I began our own friendship. We talked on the phone and occasionally had lunch with my son, who was now one–which I would always tell my husband about.

And then one day, I didn’t tell my husband. I didn’t lie about it, I just selectively edited that detail from my day—a lie of omission.

And that was the beginning of all the lies.

We spent the next year talking … in person over lunch, and for hours over the phone. We shared our histories and stories, disappointments and successes, accomplishments and losses, and goals and dreams. We spent time cultivating a friendship, and by nature of that connection the intensity of our emotional attachment grew.

By the end of the year the tension was real and palpable–undeniable to us both.

And all this from just talking and “becoming friends”, but both dreaming of more. Growing up in Christian homes and being in full-time ministry we knew our relationship was wrong, yet justified it all by the fact we had  “technically” not done anything. But our hearts were intertwined. And we knew … even this non-physical emotional attachment was wrong.

We groped for what to do.

The secrecy had fueled the progression and the tension had reached its limit. ←Click to Tweet

We had traveled down the river and were approaching the inevitable waterfall–it was going to be unavoidable.

We knew ending our “friendship” would be difficult, but continuing it would be wrong. We even opened our Bibles one afternoon, searching for the answer. And although it was very clear what we should do, we mutually decided we would rather regret our poor choice of continuing our relationship, than regret experiencing it at all.

And within two weeks,

Without any thought of where it would lead or how it would hurt others…

Still believing the lie that no one would ever know…

We jumped straight into the mud. All. the way. in.  ←Click to Tweet

And it would be a year and a half before it would end.

Time filled with highs and lows…

Highs from our relationship with each other, and lows from the sin in which we were involved: lying, coveting, cheating, adultery, deceit.

Highs from the time we would spend together, lows from the double-life we lived.

We tried to end our relationship several times, but never had the willpower to follow through. And although we were captivated, the double-life became a prison, locking us in.

We began to plan to confess our affair, but the situation was very complicated.

Both our livelihoods were from jobs at churches.

To tell would have many ramifications.

Two congregations could be devastated.

He and possibly my husband would lose their jobs,

and that loss of income would have huge consequences.

But we knew the truth would set us free. And in the end, that freedom mattered more than the goodbye.

After much anguish, we decided to voluntarily tell our spouses about the affair on the same day–the double life had to end.

And so …

It was Easter Sunday 1999, and I was a mess…

Have you ever been in the middle of a mess?

Did you choose to jump into the mud?

What happened?

To read When Mercy Found Me {Day 7} ←click here

To read ALL posts in this series, When Mercy Found Me ←click here

Photo Credit: Benjamin Ellis, Flickr Creative Commons

Related posts:

When Mercy Found Me {Day 4} The Impasse When Mercy Found Me {Day 5} Getting Lost When Mercy Found Me {Day 7} A Hardened Heart