Fifteen years ago yesterday, I sat in my living room and confessed my 2-year affair to my husband. And when I did, I had no plan what I’d do next, and no idea what I even wanted.
All I knew was my double-life was destroying me from inside. And no matter how hard it was to say it out loud to him, the truth had to be better than all I was living.
Hiding in secret.
Covering my tracks.
Denying truth to satisfy immediate longings.
And by default, my behavior rejecting the Savior who’d given His very life for me.
All of it so wrong.
We sat in our living room, fifteen years ago yesterday, and I said the unthinkable. And I’m not sure what I thought would happen after. In fact, I’m fairly certain I didn’t consider that at all, since I was so focused on the immediacy of alleviating the pain of my double life. But in the aftermath of telling the truth, I quickly discovered things got much worse before they got better. So much worse.
But life getting worse didn’t mean it’d never get better.
Sometimes there has to be ugliness before beauty, and we have to be wrecked in order to be rebuilt again. [Tweet that]
And the wrecking can be just as painful as the rebuilding. Deep, gnawing, excruciating brokenness followed by foundation digging, foundation laying, and all the nailing necessary to build something new.
But just because there’s pain, doesn’t mean it won’t be worth it in the end.
And fifteen years later, this Monday after Easter, I can say without hesitation, the truth was worth telling. The wrecking was worth experiencing. And the rebuilding, although long and slow, was an experience of change and healing necessary for me.
And I’d say it’s necessary for you too.
I’m different after my wrecking than I was before.
Brokenness shattered me.
Failure changed me.
And I am not the same as I was before.
And isn’t that what the message of His resurrection is all about? Pain to joy. Death turned to life. Ashes into beauty. Something new where nothing once was. And a shoot of hope where the spirit was wilting.
Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work, so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1: 2-3 (NIV)
As I begin a new memory project in James this year, I’m reminded how James 1 tells us to consider it to be joy, as our difficulties cause us to lean in to our God. How our faith propels us to Him in our trials, and just simply being with Him changes us.
As we give thanks for His companionship and love, we exchange our burdens for His embrace, and surrender our worries to receive His perfect peace by spending time reading His Word and in prayer each day.
Nothing formal.
Just a purposing to think of Him instead of our problems, and ponder His Word instead of our worry.
He changes us to be more like Him by our time spent with Him, and we move closer each day to not lacking anything.
Wherever you find yourself this day after your resurrection celebration, may you know there is no wrecking you can’t survive.
No brokenness He can’t repair.
No sorrow in which He doesn’t join you.
And so very much miracle-working rebuilding ahead as you abide in Him.
And while life is far from perfect for me this day, one thing I know, I am His. And He is mine. And life is far better today than I could have imagined it to be fifteen years ago today.
Because His mercy found me, and His grace overwhelms me.
And until my dying day I will never cease to tell of our great God who leaves nothing unredeemed.
May you know today, how much hope you have in Him.
And how very loved you really are.
What are you facing this week after Easter?
I’d love to join you in the comments…
Continuing on in the counting of 1,000 gifts and beyond with Ann, and her beautiful community.
And why not take the #Joy Dare and join us in counting gifts wherever you are??
Birth and new life
Date nights
Phone call with a friend
New green leaves
Chips with melted cheese
Memory foam pillow
Cold ice water
Children’s chatter
Quiet late nights
Memorizing together
New shoes
James 1:1-6
I’m counting my blessings with you at Ann’s today!
Jacque,
Nice to meet you. I’m hopping over from Ann’s link up, and counting gifts with you. Thank you for your courageous vulnerability here. I am so thankful for the encouragement that your story gives, and for the truth that God can heal, transform, restore, and even make better our situations and relationships when we do the hard work and obey. Thank you. What would you say were pivotal tools that helped you rebuild your relationship and move on from that time?
Thankful for you, and for other sisters alongside who are counting God’s gifts too,
Jennifer Dougan
http://www.jenniferdougan.com
And doesn’t the counting change everything?? So blessed by you today, and loved visiting your place too!
So thankful for your kinds words Jennifer, and yes, sisters alongside, counting on and on…xo
Dear Jacque,
The day after Easter.. actually.. Easter evening.. brought me a miscarriage at 8 weeks. Don’t worry, I’m ok. I have one beautiful 2 year old daughter already. I’m more annoyed that we just have to wait again to expand our family. But, your post was so perfectly and well timed as i lay in bed all day reading things. It feels sort of wrong to be “ok” so quickly after something like this happens, but you wrote it so beautifully… pain turns to joy and death turns to life and this wrecking of ourselves is not without cause when it’s in God’s hands and perspective. Thanks for the reminder and encouragement and reinstating a feeling that everything will be ‘alright’ for me. I’ve followed you for quite some time now, but never wrote back. I appreciate what you write 🙂 Happy post Easter to you 😛
This speaks truth to my heart. I love the part about James and it resonates with me! <3
Thank you for sharing the real and relevant purpose of Jesus Christ and reminding us all that His mercy covers us.
Oh sweet friend, may you know and feel His love even amidst pain, and may His presence and perfect peace carry you. You are loved!
Sending SO much love to you tonight, with much hope for all God is going to do in and through you, my friend. May you know the sweetness of His presence and companionship so deeply…xo
Yes Tondra, yes! His mercy, covering us completely. So thankful for that!