I hadn’t heard from her in over a month.
And I didn’t feel a release to send another message until I did. Because sometimes, in a friendship, we need space. We need to process all that’s happening inside and respond when our heart is ready—when we have something meaningful to say.
And that’s what I decided to let her do.
So I waited. And I prayed. And I hoped to hear from her soon.
And I won’t lie. It was hard.
Because I wanted the friendship on my terms. I wanted interaction and connection now. I longed to hear her heart, and deeply desired her to hear mine. Because to me, that’s what friendship does.
But until someone decides to reply, there’s not much one can do. A relationship can only be vibrant, close, and growing, when both people mutually give. And sometimes, that dance takes a long time to learn.
This morning her words finally came. And with them a release, as I read the words she had typed and sent to me.
Words of love, and care.
Of concern and thanks.
Words of reassurance, easing her absence and bringing hope for the newness of our friendship once again.
I gave space. And in time, she returned with words.
Friendship is complex. Fluid. And no one relationship is the same as another. [Tweet that]
Each one has it’s own unique dance—with steps, music, moves, and rhythm. And it’s not until we lead and follow, and then follow and lead that the dance becomes gracefully elegant and smooth.
In friendship, sometimes our hearts need to breathe and figure out how to respond to each other.
Sometimes we need a break from the nuances of the friendship to sort things out.
And sometimes, our unresponsiveness is simply a matter of having a full life–of living in the now.
There are no problems. No conflicts. No ill-intent. No oversight. Just a heart with intention, refusing to be an amateur–refusing to rush through life. And vigilantly guarding against the mentality that every moment, every message, and every email is an emergency.
In our friendships, may there be no emergencies. Only purposeful lives of focus—refusing to let others set our agenda, yet still loving them deeply in the moments we’re able.
Quantity together does not always reflect the quality of the relationship.
And sometimes the space and in-between moments make our renewed connection all the sweeter when it finally comes around again.
She’s gave me the gift of waiting. And I choose to await the ebb and flow of our dance with purpose.
And I become a better friend for the lesson.
Have you ever had an ebbing and flowing friendship?
Which is harder for you, being the friend who focuses, or the one who awaits the response?
I’m joining Lisa-Jo, over at her site today, to just write.
The challenge is to write with the prompt she gives.
And today, her prompt: Release…
Photo Credit: Steve Smith, Flickr Creative Commons
This is a great reminder of how to love and give in a Godly friendship. It is so true, it is a dance and learning the steps takes patience, practice, grace and time. And all the work along the way makes it all the more valued and treasured.
Beautiful! xoxo
Hi Jaque – it’s lovely to pop by today. These words are so, so, painfully true. I’ve experience the same myself, and you’ve described really well that inner battle of wanting to force a friendship, and yet knowing the moment you touch it, you’ve broken it. God help us to be gentle with one another. In my case, it was the beginning of a long period of disentanglement that ultimately led to a ‘goodbye’ as we were geographically far from each other. Some friendships only thrive with personal contact, and that was a hard lesson to learn. You’ve shared a lot of wisdom here today – thank you!
Jaque, I think all of us have experienced these tensions that you so beautifully and skillfully describe. Thank you for sharing this wisdom and your gift. They both ministered to me today.
As a chatty extrovert, this is something I’ve had to learn over the years — I need to give my friends time and space. The silence is hard for me, but sometimes, I will just send out a text that says “Checking in to say I love you and pray you have a fantastic week.” I’ve found that those little check ins via text help me with the in-between spaces.
Oh I love this! Such a beautiful reminder that friendship also needs space to grow. I have many friends who live miles away from me and it’s hard to maintain those levels of intimacy and sometimes I’m afraid that I’ve been silent too long or not reached out enough, until something happens that brings us together and then I’m reminded that we don’t have to live next door to each other or be each other’s neighbour to have our hearts connect… thank you Jacque!
You have no idea how much these words resonate with me, Jacque. I’m definitely in an ebbing and flowing friendship and I would consider her my best friend. I don’t do well with the ebb and flow, though, and I believe God has used it to “try” to grow me. I’m bookmarking this post. I need these words. I am good at reaching out…not so good at waiting. This is exactly what I want to do and will strive to…”And I choose to await the ebb and flow of our dance with purpose.” Thank you for these life giving words today! xoxo, Meredith
It’s always harder for me to be the friend who waits! Love this!
Boy, you nailed it. I find ebb and flow in my relationships a reality. What I have learned is to be clear about what I want. I want connection and if it is not today, that’s okay, but I want you to know that it matters.
Jacque, These words spoke to my heart today! I am in such a place needing space to process and a friend is giving it to me — thank you for articulating just what I felt!
Love this whole post, Jacque! Beautiful words and message. Sometimes we just wait and even though it’s hard we find the wait is worth it.
Jacque, this was so perfect for me to be reminded of in this season…I tend to pile on the guilt on myself for not being the most “in’tune” friend, but it is true what you say; “sometimes our unresponsiveness is simply a matter of having a full life-of living in the now.” Thank you for these freeing words.
Beautiful words Jacque!
Space…so important… To give space does touch our expectations and our need for the relationship to be defined according g to our needs … I am learning….better late than never… It’s more important for me to be the friend God is teaching me to be than for others to be that friend to me… And being a good friend will only come from being in a deep friendship with the One True Friend….all flows from there… We are all on this journey …no matter our age
Beautiful. And so it goes, this dance of friendships, the ebb & flow. I know it well. Thankful for friends I see often and close ones I rarely see. Thankful for the words of care when they are shared.
I have been struggling with friends who do not have time to be ‘friends’. Tired of always being the cheerleader of relationships, always planning the get together, lunch out or event. Your words encouraged me to be patient! Thank you!
Me, too. I can think of a couple of relationships where I am “Julie the cruise director,” where we don’t get together unless I plan it. Then again, I can think of other friendships where I am the recipient of the planning. I pray to be gracious when I’m the one doing the planning.
i love this one jacque. i tended to wear myself out on friendships until i learned this lesson…give them time and let them carry their side of the friendship. they will, but they may take longer to get free of their craziness.
it is good for me to wait, it is good for them to need me. i finally listened to my husband’s advice and paid attention to the “dance” of each friendship. it allowed me to pay attention to other friendships too…of others who were lonely, of my kids, family and aspects of life that were being ignored in my desire for friendship activities.