This is Day 7 in the series “31 Days: What You Should Know Before An Affair“
Day 7
I’ll never forget the butterflies of anticipation the night before my first wedding. Two of my college girlfriends spent the night with me at my parent’s house, and it was the best send-off a girl could ask for. Who wouldn’t love just one last night of girl-time with snacks and chats and a safe place to share all the happy-nervous speculations of what would be ahead?
At twenty-one, idealistic and full of unrealistic expectations, it’s no surprise disappointment was ahead for me. I’ve often wondered if someone would have sat me down and talked through it all–counseled me more seriously–if it would have made a difference in my expectations. Looking back, I probably wasn’t mature or humble enough for it to have mattered.
I’m imagining it—me calmly listening, nodding my head to show engagement, and politely thanking them for their concern. But my internal dialogue would have been very different—a mix of a condescending ‘I’ve got this’ accompanied by a dismissive Texas-style ‘Bless-your-heart’.
It’s no surprise, after a few months of marriage I discovered marriage is really hard.
Family of origin differences.
Male and female differences.
Personality differences.
So many differences.
The sharpness of reality began to burst my idealistic balloons at rapid-fire speeds, until I was looking at a plethora of popped balloon debri all over the floor of my life.
This is where the danger started, slow and steady.
I noticed other marriages around me and began to idealize them. Not only did I make up stories in my mind of how amazing their relationships were, but I started comparing their marriages to mine. What of my reality wouldn’t fall short compared to an embellished version of another couple’s marriage I barely even knew?
But it didn’t stop there. I upped my comparison game.
I began to compare my husband to other husbands, and over time, shifted my focus from seeing my husband’s uniqueness to gazing at his weaknesses and inadequacies.
The more I compared, the more discontent I became—increasingly restless, uncertain, irritable, and annoyed. A quiet discontent became the backdrop for my soul–a initiated and perpetuated by my thoughts and the power of my mind.
Here’s the thing you need to know,
Comparison will kill your marriage, one small thought at a time.
Today it’s critical for us to understand the danger of comparison and acknowledge the emotional death it can bring. Because over time, the emotional desert it brings is fertile ground for an affair.
Comparison, if left unchecked, will eventually kill our marriage.
A wise person once said, “The grass is always greener on the side you water most,” and that certainly couldn’t be closer to pure truth.
So today, when you catch yourself judging, complaining about, or comparing your spouse to someone else’s, remember to pull that hose back, point it down, and begin with one thing about your spouse you can be thankful for.
Choose to grope for it.
Choose to name it.
Choose to write it.
Choose to speak it out.
Then pick a new one for tomorrow.
And then the next day.
And watch your feelings come to life.
I promise this is a choice.
You have the power to make this choice.
You are only in control of you.
And this watering at your own feet—on your own ground—will bring life.
I promise.
How has comparing brought disappointment for you?
What is one thing about your spouse you are thankful for TODAY?
Listen to Day 8 Podcast HERE
Throughout this series, if you have a question or a struggle and want me to address it or write on it in this series, please send me an email (jacque at jacquewatkins dot com) or a voicemail (green button on right sidebar) and I will do my best to incorporate it into this series. It will make me so happy to have feedback from you and to write what it is you might need. I can’t wait to hear from you.
Choosing to write and speak out our gratitude for our husbands is so important. I share a gratitude texting list with my grown daughter and some of her friends. I found myself expressing my thankfulness for her father and felt the power of putting those words into the air. She needed to hear it and so did her friends.
Thank you for writing this. It is a great reminder for me that so many things in life are our choice and perspective. And we make choices constantly about being ‘for’ our husband & our marriage or instead choosing to be critical and focus on all the negatives. Lately, I’ve been praying for God to give me things to love about my husband and to recognize them. He’s got tons of great qualities but sometimes it is easy to only focus on the negative ones and when I pray for God to help me focus on the positives, I feel like that is a prayer God beckons to answer. And I also love the quote you shared “The grass is always greener on the side you water”. I had never heard ‘version’ before and love it.
During a very tough season in our marriage I remember making a list of all the things I thought were wrong with my husband and trying to pray to God to change him. I’ve never heard God audibly speak to me but that day I felt God’s presence and quite frankly a little disappointment in me for my attitude. In fact, the words “how dare you criticize something I created” popped into my head! I then began writing down every quality my husband had and realized God created him just the way he was and we were meant to be together because those were the qualities I didn’t have. He’s generous with his time, he’s great with money (I am not), he’s an awesome dad. The list continued and my heart began to change. I then began to list all the things I needed to work on in my own heart. Comparison was one of them. I’m so thankful God chose him to be my husband. Thanks for writing on this Jacque. Comparison is a great point to consider.
Gabriele! I love that! Sharing our gratitude is so powerful, and a beautiful way to encourage one another to see what we do have instead of focusing on what we wish we had. You are right, it is so powerful!
Yes! Choices and taking responsibility for our decisions on what to focus on…not to say we don’t sometimes need to have those hard conversations or even pursue professional counseling if needed, because no relationship is perfect and there are some things that do need to change, but there is always always something we can be thankful for…actively watering our grass right where we are! I’m with you..xoxo
Lisa, yes! And so often criticizing and focusing on what our spouse lacks is the easy way out of facing the ways our own hearts need to change. It’s easier to blame than to take responsibility for our own part. May we choose the hard work of gratitude and be willing to see the ways God wants to help us grow and change to be more like Him. And perhaps when we do that, those negative things about our spouse will begin to change, simply because we’re changing too! Giving thanks with you and committing to that heart work…let’s link arms together and watch our marriages grow!
I’ve realized that even though our marriage is not in a good season right now that there are possibilities in him that I see.
He is generous, sensitive, and hard working
These qualities God instilled in him even though there has been hurt.
I try to look at those plus the fact he is trying to let God help him.
I’m a work in progress, too.
Beautiful how you’re doing that..and I’m with you…we are all with you, works in progress that whatever we face we will become more like Jesus. xo
Jacque – This is really hitting close to home for me…
“Not only did I make up stories in my mind of how amazing their relationships were, but I started comparing their marriages to mine. What of my reality wouldn’t fall short compared to an embellished version of another couple’s marriage I barely even knew?”
That is exactly what I do… I know it’s stupid…
“Comparison will kill your marriage, one small thought at a time.”
That is the same thing that I am told about spiritual gifts and anointing and ministry.
But it is always frustrating when it seems like it is easy for people that have these things (gifting, great marriages, attractive spouses) to say to not compare.
Does that make sense?
I do love your podcast, which is how I am on your email list, but sometimes that is frustrating too, with all these interesting people that God has plans for and is using.
Thanks for sharing. It is so hard to be that vulnerable, but you do it… I’m going to go back and read these again. Then spend some time with the Lord…
You are not alone, we all compare! And I think it is important when we consider this struggle to focus in on the word you used: “seems like” because I have felt like you before. When people who have a large platform, success, popular friends, amazing opportunities–when they say we shouldn’t compare, it has fallen flat on my heart in the past. My mind begins to reel with thoughts like, “Well that’s easy for them to say from where they sit–popular, influential, successful and all” and I’m sucked into the idea in my own mind that they can’t relate to me, and I don’t receive their message well.
But what I’m coming to realize is that my reaction to their encouragement dismisses the truth of their message simply by virtue of how I PERCEIVE their life to be–more privileged than mine–and my own mindset of scarcity, self-pity, jealousy, and unworthiness is a lens I’m using that warps truth and, in the end, hurts myself.
It is when I get into God’s Word, I am reminded of who I am in Christ, and I recognize that my perception of them is most likely wrong and that it is entirely possible that they feel the same way as me and wrestle with all the things too–scarcity, fear, self-pity, unworthiness. Just because the size of our platform changes, doesn’t mean we become different people and lose our struggles. We are the same inside, no matter what.
So it is then, that I come to a place where I can realize God only made one of me. And He only made one of you. Unique and special. And He has called me to uniquely offer my gifts and talents for Him to use as HE SEES FIT. And it is my choice to trust Him as He gives me strength in my weakness to serve, as He gives me wisdom to make wise choices, and as He cultivates the character in me along the way to match the calling and influence that comes as He gives it. Be encouraged today, we are all in this together, and know we are so very loved by our merciful and gracious God. No matter what! Blessings to you!